Help! Officer, they stole my.. A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.
A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"
"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.
About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's "thing" is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans
"OHHH GOD.. . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!" 
Drunk Driver
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few.
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
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